It was such a paradox how I could actively think, “I honestly don’t want to drink and be at this party, but I’m just going to do it anyway because that’s how I will keep all these friends.”

Throughout college I attended church just twice a year, Easter and Christmas. My bible reading was sparse and I lacked christian community.  One summer I broke my wrist, the result: 3 plates, 16 screws, and an “external fixation” which is basically a 1 ft metal rod that sticks out of your arm like Frankenstein’s monster.  As I struggled to properly cope with the symptoms of my injury, I was fortunate that the same friends I was always partying with would eventually intervene and give me the tough love I needed to free me from a path of destruction I was on.  I don’t know the full extent of their faith journey’s but God uses all people so I am very thankful for them and their continued presence in my life.

After college I fulfilled my service commitment to the military.  Most of my friends from college had at least one teammate who got sent to the same city as them for their military service but I did not.  The blessing about my solitude was that I was finally in a place where I could focus on my relationship with God without the distractions and pressure I put on myself of the opinions of my former social groups. I found great local churches in both places, but I was not yet mature enough to fully commit to church community. I was also constantly training for the NLL so I wasn’t partying very often.  This was where I started to gain a lot of momentum in shifting my priorities and getting to know the Lord better.  I felt more connected to the Lord than ever before and I knew that it was vital I find a way to dedicate my life to Him. 

But recovery doesn’t always come quickly. In fact, our entire lives will be spent in a process of refinement.  Every year involved more lacrosse trips and more binges.  I remember one night in particular, alone, 1000 miles from home in a hotel bed, shivering, not knowing if all of the organs in my body were shutting down. I thought about my family, about my youngest sister waiting for my next Facetime call that might never come.  I had lost control, I couldn’t save myself, all I had in that moment was Jesus.  All I could do is pray, “Jesus, please save me. Just get me through this one night and I promise to never do this again.”  And He did.  But as I’m sure some of you all might have predicted that wasn’t the last time. 

In 2019 I was playing lacrosse for a team in Canada when I had one more of those nights.  I felt like I had to literally coach every organ in my body to continue doing it’s function.  I thought, “What do I even tell my kidneys to do right now?” I’m kidding, there were no jokes in that moment, no smile on my face, all I could do was pray. So I prayed that same prayer again and once again He saved me.  Thankfully, that truly was the end of that life for me. 

The next weekend as I was driving out to our game I hit a deer on the highway at 75MPH. Uninjured (me, not the deer) and instantly totaling my car this promptly put an end to my season.  I felt relived to be forced away from that environment but I didn’t think to credit Jesus’ at that time.  But after being washed in God’s word everyday for the last 4 years (shoutout to the Daily Audio Bible podcast - link below) I have a completely different mindset about that event now.  In fact, daily bible reading has completely changed my perspective on everything that happens and has happened in my life.  I used to have a really hard time reading the old testament because of all the “rules” and weird animal sacrifices.  But I now look back on this event in my life and can’t help but think, isn’t this “accident” a beautiful metaphor of a modern day old testament animal sacrifice?  An atonement for my sins, a symbol of Jesus' sacrifice for us and a reminder of the perfect plan He has always had for my life.

Romans 7:24 says “who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?  Thank God! The answer is Jesus Christ our Lord.”

As a result of Jesus never giving up on me I felt empowered to make a decision to stop drinking. I’m not a huge fan of the stigma associated with the word sober, but for lack of a better term I’ve been sober since 2019.  I have absolutely no desire to ever go back to those binges. God is opening my eyes to the beauty of the plan He has for me each day.

I have absolutely no desire to ever go back to those binges. I’ve been on countless lacrosse trips since and have felt more fulfillment and joy than I ever had before.  I used to go on these trips looking for a way to fit in. Now, I see my whole life as a bold opportunity to stand out.

I guess what I learned is that I was always confident in Jesus but not always confident in myself.  I don’t have to be held captive to the power of the opinions of others because I have experienced a power that is greater.  The opinion Jesus holds of us is solely love.  These past few years have been especially amazing as I better understand that a life with Christ is the only thing I have ever needed.  He is always with us and as we learn and grow in His ways there is peace†